Why I am no longer available for friendships with an addictive aftertaste - why clear boundaries giv

Siska Redman

Hello, Midlife Rockstars! How are you doing this week? I hope you are really well and I trust you are enjoying the end of summer fully.

I don't know about you but it appears to me that in midlife people have an interesting way of getting older. My favourite scenario is when a person thrives rather unexpectedly as they grow older. I love to observe these incredible people, the amazing communicators of this world or the calm and serene person exuding peace. How they interact, what their language is and what exactly they have done to get to this amazing destination of fulfilment, appreciation and vitality.

On my personal journey to elevate myself as the self-appointed Rockstar of Midlife, I have said goodbye to a few friends and acquaintances on the way. Have you done that too, or do you like to stick with your friendship group?

I found it uninspiring and tiring to listen to the repeated scratched record of "I really don't know what I have done wrong to deserve this" or the friend who blurts out one of your secrets at a dinner party when she has had too much to drink... hmm, not so great.

When people are not getting to grips with their addictions, do absolutely nothing about it or are only partly committed to their recovery and harm others in the process, it is time for me to let go.

There is just no growth in tolerating a friendship with a high functioning addict who upsets you repeatedly (a person who is battling an addiction and is able to hold down a demanding job and run a household etc). Okay, many of us have some addictive habits that are possibly more acceptable in society - working too much, getting distracted easily or constantly shopping online.

But please protect yourself when your boundaries are invaded and you feel uncomfortable in somebody’s presence. If somebody is too scared to be vulnerable and has trouble with intimacy, let them go! Letting them go might also make them realise that it's time for a change. An alcohol addicted girlfriend is likely not being a real friend but she holds you hostage. You have to agree with her and if you don't she is likely to either get angry or sad. And it's your entire fault, yes! So make that choice to look after yourself. Choose freedom and open discussion, the freedom to express, the freedom to be received by others with your vulnerabilities, connectedness, being heard without judgment, the freedom to change your mind, the freedom to EXPAND your beautiful world. That sounds more like fun, right? I like it!

Have the courage to voice your concern even if the person will not like it. Have courage, give them an opportunity to respond and then decide.

Tony Robbins says that we are the average of the 5 people we surround ourselves with. Make the best choices, you are so worth it!

Sit with the winners - the conversation is different! (source unknown)

It's so true. Remember when you last sat in a group of people who totally inspired you?

Whatever your personal meaning of what success is for you, surround yourself with visionaries, the kind, and the people that lift you up. The people who discuss ideas, not other people. The people who believe in you. The ones where you feel you don't need to prove yourself. The ones you learn from. The ones who make you feel good. Surround yourself with people who want to be with you, rather than the ones who don't. If you hang out with people who don't want to be with you, you sign up for a lot of pain. Understand that people who chase friends or partners who are somehow out of reach (and that might have been you or me a year ago, maybe even three months ago) cannot feel truly worthy of themselves. Mastin Kipp said that, and he is an expert young coach who has managed his addictions well.

A person who chases after someone cannot feel truly worthy of themselves. That person cannot yet feel fully the vast richness, depth and colour of his or her own self. Once they do and experience healing, they attach very differently to others. They are free, give others plenty of space and don't force connections out of fear of losing something. They attract a different crowd. What a gorgeous blessing, what a lovely invitation this is!

Registration for my 7 weeks live call course "Learning to Fly Again!" starts now, contact me for details!

This course is designed to help women and men who are currently stuck and frustrated on their journey and who are committed to creating a compelling future for themselves.


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