Midlife and the monster disguised as a flea …

Sounds kind of funny and a bit weird? Thank you for having your full attention.

This blog is written to the educated midlife woman, or man, who actually to some surprise found herself in a scenario that ended in divorce and to you a sudden traumatic ending. If you had sufficient time to process and to make some sense of what your part in this scenario was, you might want to welcome a truly compelling vision for your future and be inspired by a strong and utterly magnificent belief in the vibrant sunshine that is awaiting you.

But how do I make that work, you might ask? Well, let’s have a little look into the environment of today’s successful, reliable and socially well-placed group of fellow women beings we love to spend time with.

Many of you are exuberant personalities of style, education, real panache and knowledge. A real treat to know and hugely interesting! You have incredible passion, careers, are very caring in nature and emotionally available to those who matter to you.

Yet as the years roll by, so many people, or ourselves, are inflicted in relationships that are destructive, disempowering and do not bring fun, growth or joy! So what is going on there?

To be honest, a person who is pretty normal middle of the road is probably not awfully appealing to anybody here either – we need some quirky or interesting character traits! But then if it gets out of hand it ain’t that much fun either! Would you agree or not?

To get straight to the point of interest, there is a red flag in friendships and romantic relationships that simply is a huge waste of time, but to detect it early is not so easy. I am talking about the covert narcissist.

You see, many hugely interesting people have family structures with the triangle of addiction, codependency and narcissism in various degrees from very mild to extreme going on in the background. What I mean by that is that if you have one parent who is either one of the three (e.g. a parent who has a kind of addiction), there will be partners who have codependent traits or narcissistic personalities in the previous generation.

What you really want to prevent in midlife is that you attach to a covert narcissist as a new partner because it is the worst time waster. Midlife is when you deserve to have a balanced and real connection that supports your needs and is there for you.

A romantic connection with a person who can hide their narcissism well is explosive, erotic, exciting and will hold you in mental bondage which will take you a long time to recover from.

The main ingredient here is the erotic component.

What are five red flags of the narc to avoid and to watch out for when meeting new friends or romantic prospects in midlife?

  • An overly intense beginning of the connection, highly sexual in nature, unusually frequent contact with an unlikely speed.

  • Exaggerated promises of presents, holiday destinations and other 'lovebombing' very early in the connection.

  • Untimely early mentioning of e.g. marriage or moving in together.

  • Surprising mentioning that they have 'never felt this good' with anybody else or that with you 'everything is different / it was never as good before'.

  • A tendency not to be able to discuss problems openly as the relationship progresses, a sense of being controlled, noticeable taboo subjects.

  • A sudden withdrawal once you are emotionally fully invested, usually at the 6 months point ('the cold shoulder').

  • An extreme change in behaviour from overly invested to cold and dismissive language.

A covert narcissist is hard to spot because they can often be seen by society as very kind and responsible people, for example being single parents, doing things for the community (e.g. charity work). They normally function well at work, be excellent at sales for example with persuasive qualities and they can be extremely charming and pretending to have empathy.

The truth is, they need narcissistic supply (attention, admiration, people doing things for them) like air to breathe. It is never quite enough what they get and constant complaining and a pretend victimhood role goes hand in hand with their narrative.

While their discarded devastated partners wonder why they were not good enough and how they could change to fit in, the narcissist is already on their next venture.

They are not able to develop mutually loving and respectful relationships and cannot support their partners when they are being vulnerable. Covert narcissists will never form a satisfying romantic relationship in their life and for that reason, it is a poor time investment for the capable and kind midlifer who seeks a stable and mutually respecting relationship.

This is a big secret that is worth knowing! Whilst we can live with addictive behaviours and codependent traits that can be tolerated, changed or treated, narcissism is a serious condition that cannot be cured.

It is of great advantage to know the theory of this dynamic. There is no point in being angry with a narcissist, it is more resourceful to look into your own behaviours why you have fallen for a person like this. For those who want to know more or who want to dive deep into resolving those mental programs, get in touch with us at siska@redmancoaching.co.uk or arrange a free 20 minute discovery call.

We love connecting with women who are fully committed to change and creating an amazing future in order to have freedom, love and creativity!

Be on a journey of discovery to detach from the pull of a narcissistic partner and seek healthier attachments that will support and give you a really happy future! Because your time, happiness and valuing your assets really matter!

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To an extraordinary life,



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